Managing conflict
Dr
John Gottman explains in his book "the Seven Principles for Making
Marriage Work" that the first step
to resolving conflict in a loving
relationship is to "Soften your start-up". Back when we were learning
about the four horsemen, Dr. Gottman explained that the first indicator
that a marriage is in trouble is not
if a couple is fighting or even
what they are fighting about, but how they are fighting. He says
that a
harsh start-up is the first indicator of trouble. Start-ups are
the way we bring up a topic to discuss with our
spouse. If we begin
discussing a frustration we have with our spouse by blaming, being
sarcastic or
raising our voice, we have basically opened the front door
and invited the four horsemen in. When we
begin with a harsh start-up,
our spouse is more likely to become defensive, to fight back and to
have hurt
feelings. If we really want to improve our marriage and solve
our problems, we have to start by
softening our start-up.
How
do we do this? Dr Gottman has a few suggestions, one of which is
"complain but don't blame".
Another is "Make statements that start with
"I" instead of "you"." I think these are two great ways to
soften our
start-ups. For example, one of the things that comes up often in my own
marriage is my
frustration with how distracted my husband can get
especially during times when I could really use his
help, like when the
kids first get home from school. Being that he is home during this time
most days, it
is very helpful to have two of us tackling the four
children that are all now wanting our full, undivided
attention. Often
he will become distracted and decide to start a project our in the
garden right before the
kids get home and become totally oblivious to
what is going on inside and I am drowning in pleas for
help with
homework or this, that and the other. If I approach the subject with my
husband by raising my
voice and saying "you never pay attention and
help with with the kids when they get home, can't you
remember what time
it is?!" He is going to get upset and defend himself - rightfully so.
However, if I
talk a min and walk outside and calmly say "hey, the kids
just got home and I am feeling pretty
overwhelmed, would you mind
coming in and helping me?" He will always drop what he is doing and
dive right in with help.
If we can recognize how
powerful start-ups can be, and that we can control the atmosphere of
the
conversation by softening our approach, we are much more likely to
have a positive outcome and our
ability to successfully solve our
problems will only get better with practice. What are some ways you
could improve your start-up?
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