Studying the power and sanctity of marriage

The idea of emotional intimacy is an area I think popular culture has gotten it very wrong.  Again.  If you believe hollywood or television, in a marriage the woman wants emotional intimacy and the man wants physical intimacy.  In truth, everyone needs to feel emotionally connected to their partner.  This doesn't mean that you bring them flowers everyday or stare into their eyes for hours, but it does mean that you make an effort to do what Dr. Gottman calls "turning toward" your spouse.  Paying attention to their needs or desires.  Maybe they've had a long day and would enjoy a foot rub.  Maybe they are really stressed from work and need a nice dinner out.  Maybe they just need a hug for no other reason than that it would make them feel loved.  These little acts show our spouse that we are thinking of them, and everyone likes to feel remembered.  

 One of the sweetest things my husband does for me may seem like nothing at all to most, but to me it means the world.  I have a rare form of rheumatoid arthritis called Ankylosing Spondylitis.  There are days when I hurt all over and I get very cold.  My husband always seems to notice when I am uncomfortable and he will appear out of nowhere with a blanket he has warmed in the dryer and cover me up.  There have been times this has brought me to tears because while it is a simple act, it was so comforting physically and showed how much he cares about me emotionally. 

 

Sometimes it takes a little more work to get outside of ourselves and start paying attention to the needs or wants of our spouse.  For many of us the act of "turning towards" does not come so naturally.  In this case, it may help to take a few minutes at the start or end of the day to write a few quick ideas down or things that we have noticed about our spouse.  This will become a habit if we do it consistently and will also help us to pay closer attention during the day when we know we will need to write something down later.  Once we have written down some of our partners emotional needs or wants, we can begin to turn toward them with our actions and return to our notes and write down how those actions were received.  This will help us to remember things that seemed especially helpful or appreciated.  Before long we will have an entire book of helpful "turning toward" actions!  

 

Here is an awesome quote from Dr. Gottman:

 

"Never get tired of doing little things for your partner.  Sometimes those little things occupy the biggest part of their heart."

In our modern world, the act of being submissive is almost always considered weak, unintelligent and unwise.  In his book "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Powerful Principles with Eternal Results", H. Walace Goddard explains that the opposite is true.  Goddard describes a "higher kind of submission."  He says:

 

"In godly submission, as in all things, Jesus is preeminent.  He did not allow Himself to be mocked and crucified because He was weak and frightened.  It was a triumph of His goodness that He did not use His immense power to destroy those who persecuted Him.  He chose to let his goodness govern His power.  The Person with the greatest power chose to be the most submissive."

  

 

In marriage, where there is a great deal of compromise required, how often do we become hurt or defensive?  When we experience these emotions it is easy to react with a desire to dominate the other person and make them feel smaller or less than ourselves.  This can cause us to hurt those that we love most.  Although a difficult task, if we will allow ourselves to follow the example of the savior of the world who, being perfect, submitted himself to death at the hands of those who were far less powerful than He, our hearts can be changed and we can build marriages that last through eternity.  

 

This can be such an incredibly difficult thing to do when everything around us tells us to fight!  To push and crawl our way to the top.  Goddard points out that it takes "strength of character" to resist the urge to needlessly "fix" all that we feel is wrong with our spouse.  The Lord's way opens the door for us to become humble, to see ourselves and others as He sees us and in turn, our need to be the best is diminished and our desire for peace is increased.  What are some things you can do to develop strength of character?

Elder Neal A. Maxwell has said

"The submission of one’s will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God’s altar. It is a hard doctrine, but it is true. The many other things we give to God, however nice that may be of us, are actually things He has already given us, and He has loaned them to us. But when we begin to submit ourselves by letting our wills be swallowed up in God’s will, then we are really giving something to Him. And that hard doctrine lies at the center of discipleship. There is a part of us that is ultimately sovereign, the mind and heart, where we really do decide which way to go and what to do. And when we submit to His will, then we’ve really given Him the one final thing He asks of us. And the other things are not very, very important. It is the only possession we have that we can give, and there is no lessening of our agency as a result. Instead, what we see is a flowering of our talents and more and more surges of joy. Submission to Him is the only form of submission that is completely safe."  (Insights from my life, Ensign, August 2000)

 

This weeks readings were so fun for me.  While it was informative and helpful to be able to identify patterns that need work in my own marriage, it was also great to recognize some things that we are doing well.  One of the things that I noticed was the importance of successful repair attempts.  Dr.John Gottman has been studying marriage for over 40 years and can predict with 91% accuracy, after visiting with a couple for 15 min, whether they will eventually divorce.  He does this by recognizing characteristic behaviors he calls the "Four Horseman".  These are behaviors that if not fixed, will lead to serious problems within a marriage and if not fixed, eventually divorce.  

By Viktor M. Vasnetsov - http://lj.rossia.org/users/john_petrov/166993.html, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=2649874

The Four Horseman are :

Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.  While we all do these things from time to time, one predictor of a successful marriage is how successful our "repair attempts" are.    I had never really given much thought or weight to the idea, but I recognized how often my husband and I do this.  It was really great to look back over the last few days even and pick out those repair attempts and recognize how important they are.  

 

Because I tend to be sarcastic and my husband and I joke around a lot, we have a lot of little inside jokes that have become "go to" strategies for repairing tough situations.  Just today I was feeling very stressed and it all came to a head when I showed up for a scheduled eye exam only to find out that they had no record of the appointment.  I then had to turn around and go back home and return two hours later which burned up precious homework time that I depend on in order to get things done so that I can be available and present when my kids get home from school.  I was irritated and it spilled out onto my husband when I got home.  He was being very sweet and trying not to react, but offered his opinion on what I could do about it, to which I replied "don't tell me what to do!" (one of our "go to" moves that always makes us both laugh).   We both busted up laughing and immediately, my blood pressure dropped and I could let go of the frustration and apologize for being grouchy.

 

Just saying those words is hilarious to both of us because it becomes so obvious to me how ridiculous I am being and also lets me act out that last bit of sassiness left, which thank goodness he finds hysterical.  Whatever works right?  It made me feel good to recognize that we have some tools in place that really help way more than we may think.  I think Goddard's chapter was also such a nice compliment to Gottman's chapters because it brought home that fact that without the Savior's help, it is near impossible for us to actually put all of these great strategies into practice.  With the Savior's help, what seems like an impossible task, like releasing our anger or choosing our spouse's needs over our own when we are hurting as well, can become possible.  When we allow ourselves to feel how deeply He loves us, we are better able to love our spouse in ways that would otherwise be difficult for us.  Isn't it awesome to know that because marriage is ordained of God, that He will never leave us to attempt to fix things on our own?

For more information on Dr. Gottman's work check out gottman.com

      There are always questions from those not of the mormon faith when a friend or family member is married in the temple.  Many do not understand why someone would choose this when it means that some of those that they love will not be able to attend.  My dad is a convert to the church and he and my mom were married civilly first and then were sealed in the temple a few years later.  As part of the second generation, I have been raised in the church and chose to marry my spouse in the temple.  Obviously there were many members of my dad's side of the family who were unable to attend the ceremony as they are not members.  This can be difficult for others to understand and can even be interpreted as excluding others.  

My family was very supportive and while they could not enter the temple, were happy for us and joined us at the reception to celebrate.  While I know that this was difficult for some to understand, I felt that it was an important step both for myself and for my family.  I knew that I wanted an eternal marriage.  One that would bind my spouse and I forever and set us on a path of learning and growing together with the Lord as our guide.  I knew that making a temple marriage a priority would also show my family how important it was to me.  

I am so grateful to have a family that values marriage irrespective of religion.  The world can benefit from solid, happy and healthy unions between husbands and wives.  When we strengthen marriage and family, we strengthen the world.