This weeks readings were so fun for me.  While it was informative and helpful to be able to identify patterns that need work in my own marriage, it was also great to recognize some things that we are doing well.  One of the things that I noticed was the importance of successful repair attempts.  Dr.John Gottman has been studying marriage for over 40 years and can predict with 91% accuracy, after visiting with a couple for 15 min, whether they will eventually divorce.  He does this by recognizing characteristic behaviors he calls the "Four Horseman".  These are behaviors that if not fixed, will lead to serious problems within a marriage and if not fixed, eventually divorce.  

By Viktor M. Vasnetsov - http://lj.rossia.org/users/john_petrov/166993.html, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=2649874

The Four Horseman are :

Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.  While we all do these things from time to time, one predictor of a successful marriage is how successful our "repair attempts" are.    I had never really given much thought or weight to the idea, but I recognized how often my husband and I do this.  It was really great to look back over the last few days even and pick out those repair attempts and recognize how important they are.  

 

Because I tend to be sarcastic and my husband and I joke around a lot, we have a lot of little inside jokes that have become "go to" strategies for repairing tough situations.  Just today I was feeling very stressed and it all came to a head when I showed up for a scheduled eye exam only to find out that they had no record of the appointment.  I then had to turn around and go back home and return two hours later which burned up precious homework time that I depend on in order to get things done so that I can be available and present when my kids get home from school.  I was irritated and it spilled out onto my husband when I got home.  He was being very sweet and trying not to react, but offered his opinion on what I could do about it, to which I replied "don't tell me what to do!" (one of our "go to" moves that always makes us both laugh).   We both busted up laughing and immediately, my blood pressure dropped and I could let go of the frustration and apologize for being grouchy.

 

Just saying those words is hilarious to both of us because it becomes so obvious to me how ridiculous I am being and also lets me act out that last bit of sassiness left, which thank goodness he finds hysterical.  Whatever works right?  It made me feel good to recognize that we have some tools in place that really help way more than we may think.  I think Goddard's chapter was also such a nice compliment to Gottman's chapters because it brought home that fact that without the Savior's help, it is near impossible for us to actually put all of these great strategies into practice.  With the Savior's help, what seems like an impossible task, like releasing our anger or choosing our spouse's needs over our own when we are hurting as well, can become possible.  When we allow ourselves to feel how deeply He loves us, we are better able to love our spouse in ways that would otherwise be difficult for us.  Isn't it awesome to know that because marriage is ordained of God, that He will never leave us to attempt to fix things on our own?

For more information on Dr. Gottman's work check out gottman.com