The idea of emotional intimacy is an area I think popular culture has gotten it very wrong.  Again.  If you believe hollywood or television, in a marriage the woman wants emotional intimacy and the man wants physical intimacy.  In truth, everyone needs to feel emotionally connected to their partner.  This doesn't mean that you bring them flowers everyday or stare into their eyes for hours, but it does mean that you make an effort to do what Dr. Gottman calls "turning toward" your spouse.  Paying attention to their needs or desires.  Maybe they've had a long day and would enjoy a foot rub.  Maybe they are really stressed from work and need a nice dinner out.  Maybe they just need a hug for no other reason than that it would make them feel loved.  These little acts show our spouse that we are thinking of them, and everyone likes to feel remembered.  

 One of the sweetest things my husband does for me may seem like nothing at all to most, but to me it means the world.  I have a rare form of rheumatoid arthritis called Ankylosing Spondylitis.  There are days when I hurt all over and I get very cold.  My husband always seems to notice when I am uncomfortable and he will appear out of nowhere with a blanket he has warmed in the dryer and cover me up.  There have been times this has brought me to tears because while it is a simple act, it was so comforting physically and showed how much he cares about me emotionally. 

 

Sometimes it takes a little more work to get outside of ourselves and start paying attention to the needs or wants of our spouse.  For many of us the act of "turning towards" does not come so naturally.  In this case, it may help to take a few minutes at the start or end of the day to write a few quick ideas down or things that we have noticed about our spouse.  This will become a habit if we do it consistently and will also help us to pay closer attention during the day when we know we will need to write something down later.  Once we have written down some of our partners emotional needs or wants, we can begin to turn toward them with our actions and return to our notes and write down how those actions were received.  This will help us to remember things that seemed especially helpful or appreciated.  Before long we will have an entire book of helpful "turning toward" actions!  

 

Here is an awesome quote from Dr. Gottman:

 

"Never get tired of doing little things for your partner.  Sometimes those little things occupy the biggest part of their heart."