The In-Laws

10:38 AM Sarah 0 Comments


In the scriptures we are taught that "a man should leave his Father and Mother and cleave unto his wife."  While this is often our goal in a new marriage, the actual act can be somewhat difficult and we might even be caught by surprise when we realize we are unintentionally ignoring this counsel.  Family rules and old habits can be very hard to break.  Calling our parents for advice or help may have become a way of life for us and intentional, time consuming practice may be necessary for us to change the way we do things. 


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In-law relationships don't have to be difficult.  We can use the principles of nurturing fondness and admiration with our In-laws just as we can with our spouse.  Showing love and kindness, serving them and praying for help to see them as Heavenly Father does can go along way in building healthy, happy relationships with them.
 
If we are open with our spouse about our habits and our relationship goals, we can work together as a team to make positive changes and assure a smooth transition to married life.  By openly discussing each of our families spoken and unspoken rules, we not only help our spouse feel more comfortable, we also provide a better opportunity for our families to be accepting.  This helps us to avoid conflict within our marriage by given us a glimpse of why our partner feels or thinks a certain way.  Misunderstandings and hurt feelings are often just a case of rules that have not been clearly defined and shared.  When we understand more about how our spouse was raised and the rules that shaped their feelings and behaviors, we are better able to create our own family plan that involves rules we are both comfortable with.

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Equals

4:27 PM Sarah 0 Comments


God created men and women to be partners with neither being above or below the other in power.  When we understand that we were created to have different responsibilities but one purpose, we can grow together and accomplish all that God has asked of us.  Our families run smoother when we are working as one.  Our children learn how to work, love, forgive and sacrifice when they see us demonstrating these things.

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  When we make our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ the center of our lives, we gain strength from them as we strive to live righteous, peaceful lives.  Having separate responsibilities does not mean that we do not help each other.  It does not mean that one person’s contribution is more important or valued that another's.  It means that our loving Heavenly Father designed us both with divine attributes that make us best suited for the jobs he has asked us to do.  Husbands and wives who are devoted to God and to each other can have peace and happiness amid the chaos of the world when each is doing their best to fulfill their responsibilities to their spouse and to God.

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Safeguarding our Marriages

4:58 PM Sarah 0 Comments


It has been said by modern day prophets, that "Infidelity is one of the greatest sins of our generation." 

This week we have been studying the principles of purity within marriage.  I have been very intrigued by the readings we have had this week on the issue of emotional infidelity.  I think it is so widely believed that as long as we do not participate in any physical act, we have nothing to be worried about.  We have not committed a sin against God or our spouse. 

We have been warned time and again that Satan wants nothing more than to destroy families.  He will use any means necessary to accomplish this task.  He does not care which straw actually breaks the camel's back as long as it gets broken.  A quote from Goddard's chapter really stuck out to me on this topic.  He said "today Satan attacks us with subtle and indirect means.  He gets us inappropriately close to someone who is not our spouse under the guise of missionary work, friendship, or helpfulness.  He subtly builds inappropriate emotional bonds while quieting our consciences with weak rationalizations." 
 I'll always have my heart be a little broken.:

It is alarming to me to know just how many people have been through this very situation.  Even more alarming is how many never even realized it was happening.  In hindsight it is so clear and each step can be quickly identified from thoughts to feelings to actions.  

The good news is that we are not helpless in preventing this.  When we keep our spirits in tune and we stay close to the Lord, we will be aware of possible problems.  We will be careful to guard our selves and to take responsibility for the messages that we give to others.  Ultimately, we will have hearts that are full of charity, which is the pure love of Christ and this will endear us to our spouse and to the Lord.  I think what happens, is that at the end of the day, we will care less about what others think of us and more about what He thinks of us.  With this mindset, we are well prepared to safeguard our marriages.

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Charity

10:16 AM Sarah 0 Comments

"When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity;  I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed.  And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off my guard...[Yet] surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is is the best evidence for what sort of man he is.  Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth.  If there are rats in the cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly.  But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding.  In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me and ill-tempered man: it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am.  The rats are always there in the cellar but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light.  Apparently the rats of resentment and vindictiveness are always there in the cellar of my soul." - C.S. Lewis

This quote really had me thinking about my start-ups this week.  What do they say about me?  How do I behave when I am "caught off my guard"?  I would like to think that I am kind and understanding, but I know full well that that is not often t he truth.  This behavior is in such stark contrast to the behavior of the Savior and the way He asks us to behave.  It makes me realize just how much we need His help.  We need to pray daily for Him to bless us with strength and understanding in our marriages. 

Like C.S. Lewis, we must take responsibility for our actions-irregardless of provocation, and come to the Lord with a broken heart that is open enough to accept the help and understanding He offers us. 

I believe that marriage is ordained of God.  I believe that He wants us to succeed and have peace and joy in our marriages.  He stands waiting and willing to provide us with guidance to achieve it. 
"The future of this world has long been declared; the final outcome between good and evil is already known. There is absolutely no question as to who wins because the victory has already been posted on the scoreboard. The only really strange thing in all of this is that we are still down here on the field trying to decide which team's jersey we want to wear." Jeffrey R. Holland:

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Managing conflict

10:08 AM Sarah 0 Comments

Dr John Gottman explains in his book "the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" that the first step
 to resolving conflict in a loving relationship is to "Soften your start-up".   Back when we were learning
 about the four horsemen, Dr. Gottman explained that the first indicator that a marriage is in trouble is not 
if a couple is fighting or even what they are fighting about, but how they are fighting.  He says that a 
harsh start-up is the first indicator of trouble.  Start-ups are the way we bring up a topic to discuss with our
 spouse.  If we begin discussing a frustration we have with our spouse by blaming, being sarcastic or 
raising our voice, we have basically opened the front door and invited the four horsemen in.  When we
 begin with a harsh start-up, our spouse is more likely to become defensive, to fight back and to have hurt
 feelings.  If we really want to improve our marriage and solve our problems, we have to start by 
softening our start-up.
 Stephen Covey said, "Seek first to understand then to be understood." Use this quote to teach your family the importance of effective communication.:
How do we do this?  Dr Gottman has a few suggestions, one of which is "complain but don't blame".  
Another is "Make statements that start with "I" instead of "you"."  I think these are two great ways to 
soften our start-ups.  For example, one of the things that comes up often in my own marriage is my 
frustration with how distracted my husband can get especially during times when I could really use his
 help, like when the kids first get home from school.  Being that he is home during this time most days, it 
is very helpful to have two of us tackling the four children that are all now wanting our full, undivided 
attention.  Often he will become distracted and decide to start a project our in the garden right before the
 kids get home and become totally oblivious to what is going on inside and I am drowning in pleas for 
help with homework or this, that and the other.  If I approach the subject with my husband by raising my
 voice and saying "you never pay attention and help with with the kids when they get home, can't you 
remember what time it is?!"  He is going to get upset and defend himself - rightfully so.  However, if I
 talk a min and walk outside and calmly say "hey, the kids just got home and I am feeling pretty
 overwhelmed, would you mind coming in and helping me?"  He will always drop what he is doing and
 dive right in with help. 
If we can recognize how powerful start-ups can be, and that we can control the atmosphere of the
 conversation by softening our approach, we are much more likely to have a positive outcome and our
 ability to successfully solve our problems will only get better with practice.  What are some ways you 
could improve your start-up?

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Pride

10:04 AM Sarah 0 Comments

What does pride have to do with marriage?  This week I read an address given by President Ezra Taft Benson on this very subject.   You can check it out here https://app.box.com/embed/preview/48rpwc1hlo8xi6plfshetucn2i7v8hnm?theme=dark   It made me look at pride very differently.    He said that when "we pit our will against God's" we are being prideful.  He mentions that the proud "wish God would agree with them." 

He describes pride as any time we are in opposition or contend with others we are displaying pride.  This means that when we argue with our spouse and fight to be right, we are being prideful.  When we are selfish and put our wants or needs ahead of theirs, this is pride.  When we think that our way of doing marriage is better than God's, this is pride. 

I found this great chart on another blog this week and really love the visual reminder.  The blog can be found here .

What are some of the ways pride has entered our marriage?

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Emotional intimacy

10:33 AM Sarah 0 Comments



The idea of emotional intimacy is an area I think popular culture has gotten it very wrong.  Again.  If you believe hollywood or television, in a marriage the woman wants emotional intimacy and the man wants physical intimacy.  In truth, everyone needs to feel emotionally connected to their partner.  This doesn't mean that you bring them flowers everyday or stare into their eyes for hours, but it does mean that you make an effort to do what Dr. Gottman calls "turning toward" your spouse.  Paying attention to their needs or desires.  Maybe they've had a long day and would enjoy a foot rub.  Maybe they are really stressed from work and need a nice dinner out.  Maybe they just need a hug for no other reason than that it would make them feel loved.  These little acts show our spouse that we are thinking of them, and everyone likes to feel remembered.  

It's the small things done often that make the difference. - Dr. John Gottman on #staymarried
 One of the sweetest things my husband does for me may seem like nothing at all to most, but to me it means the world.  I have a rare form of rheumatoid arthritis called Ankylosing Spondylitis.  There are days when I hurt all over and I get very cold.  My husband always seems to notice when I am uncomfortable and he will appear out of nowhere with a blanket he has warmed in the dryer and cover me up.  There have been times this has brought me to tears because while it is a simple act, it was so comforting physically and showed how much he cares about me emotionally. 
 
Sometimes it takes a little more work to get outside of ourselves and start paying attention to the needs or wants of our spouse.  For many of us the act of "turning towards" does not come so naturally.  In this case, it may help to take a few minutes at the start or end of the day to write a few quick ideas down or things that we have noticed about our spouse.  This will become a habit if we do it consistently and will also help us to pay closer attention during the day when we know we will need to write something down later.  Once we have written down some of our partners emotional needs or wants, we can begin to turn toward them with our actions and return to our notes and write down how those actions were received.  This will help us to remember things that seemed especially helpful or appreciated.  Before long we will have an entire book of helpful "turning toward" actions!  
 
Here is an awesome quote from Dr. Gottman:
 
"Never get tired of doing little things for your partner.  Sometimes those little things occupy the biggest part of their heart."

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Godly Submission

12:45 PM Sarah 0 Comments





In our modern world, the act of being submissive is almost always considered weak, unintelligent and unwise.  In his book "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Powerful Principles with Eternal Results", H. Walace Goddard explains that the opposite is true.  Goddard describes a "higher kind of submission."  He says:
 
"In godly submission, as in all things, Jesus is preeminent.  He did not allow Himself to be mocked and crucified because He was weak and frightened.  It was a triumph of His goodness that He did not use His immense power to destroy those who persecuted Him.  He chose to let his goodness govern His power.  The Person with the greatest power chose to be the most submissive."
  
 
In marriage, where there is a great deal of compromise required, how often do we become hurt or defensive?  When we experience these emotions it is easy to react with a desire to dominate the other person and make them feel smaller or less than ourselves.  This can cause us to hurt those that we love most.  Although a difficult task, if we will allow ourselves to follow the example of the savior of the world who, being perfect, submitted himself to death at the hands of those who were far less powerful than He, our hearts can be changed and we can build marriages that last through eternity.  
 
This can be such an incredibly difficult thing to do when everything around us tells us to fight!  To push and crawl our way to the top.  Goddard points out that it takes "strength of character" to resist the urge to needlessly "fix" all that we feel is wrong with our spouse.  The Lord's way opens the door for us to become humble, to see ourselves and others as He sees us and in turn, our need to be the best is diminished and our desire for peace is increased.  What are some things you can do to develop strength of character?

Elder Neal A. Maxwell has said
"The submission of one’s will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God’s altar. It is a hard doctrine, but it is true. The many other things we give to God, however nice that may be of us, are actually things He has already given us, and He has loaned them to us. But when we begin to submit ourselves by letting our wills be swallowed up in God’s will, then we are really giving something to Him. And that hard doctrine lies at the center of discipleship. There is a part of us that is ultimately sovereign, the mind and heart, where we really do decide which way to go and what to do. And when we submit to His will, then we’ve really given Him the one final thing He asks of us. And the other things are not very, very important. It is the only possession we have that we can give, and there is no lessening of our agency as a result. Instead, what we see is a flowering of our talents and more and more surges of joy. Submission to Him is the only form of submission that is completely safe."  (Insights from my life, Ensign, August 2000)


 

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Repair attempts

9:00 AM Sarah 0 Comments

This weeks readings were so fun for me.  While it was informative and helpful to be able to identify patterns that need work in my own marriage, it was also great to recognize some things that we are doing well.  One of the things that I noticed was the importance of successful repair attempts.  Dr.John Gottman has been studying marriage for over 40 years and can predict with 91% accuracy, after visiting with a couple for 15 min, whether they will eventually divorce.  He does this by recognizing characteristic behaviors he calls the "Four Horseman".  These are behaviors that if not fixed, will lead to serious problems within a marriage and if not fixed, eventually divorce.  

Apocalypse vasnetsov.jpg
By Viktor M. Vasnetsov - http://lj.rossia.org/users/john_petrov/166993.html, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=2649874

The Four Horseman are :
Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.  While we all do these things from time to time, one predictor of a successful marriage is how successful our "repair attempts" are.    I had never really given much thought or weight to the idea, but I recognized how often my husband and I do this.  It was really great to look back over the last few days even and pick out those repair attempts and recognize how important they are.  
 
Because I tend to be sarcastic and my husband and I joke around a lot, we have a lot of little inside jokes that have become "go to" strategies for repairing tough situations.  Just today I was feeling very stressed and it all came to a head when I showed up for a scheduled eye exam only to find out that they had no record of the appointment.  I then had to turn around and go back home and return two hours later which burned up precious homework time that I depend on in order to get things done so that I can be available and present when my kids get home from school.  I was irritated and it spilled out onto my husband when I got home.  He was being very sweet and trying not to react, but offered his opinion on what I could do about it, to which I replied "don't tell me what to do!" (one of our "go to" moves that always makes us both laugh).   We both busted up laughing and immediately, my blood pressure dropped and I could let go of the frustration and apologize for being grouchy.
 
Just saying those words is hilarious to both of us because it becomes so obvious to me how ridiculous I am being and also lets me act out that last bit of sassiness left, which thank goodness he finds hysterical.  Whatever works right?  It made me feel good to recognize that we have some tools in place that really help way more than we may think.  I think Goddard's chapter was also such a nice compliment to Gottman's chapters because it brought home that fact that without the Savior's help, it is near impossible for us to actually put all of these great strategies into practice.  With the Savior's help, what seems like an impossible task, like releasing our anger or choosing our spouse's needs over our own when we are hurting as well, can become possible.  When we allow ourselves to feel how deeply He loves us, we are better able to love our spouse in ways that would otherwise be difficult for us.  Isn't it awesome to know that because marriage is ordained of God, that He will never leave us to attempt to fix things on our own?

For more information on Dr. Gottman's work check out gottman.com

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Covenant Marriage

10:11 PM Sarah 0 Comments



      There are always questions from those not of the mormon faith when a friend or family member is married in the temple.  Many do not understand why someone would choose this when it means that some of those that they love will not be able to attend.  My dad is a convert to the church and he and my mom were married civilly first and then were sealed in the temple a few years later.  As part of the second generation, I have been raised in the church and chose to marry my spouse in the temple.  Obviously there were many members of my dad's side of the family who were unable to attend the ceremony as they are not members.  This can be difficult for others to understand and can even be interpreted as excluding others.  
My family was very supportive and while they could not enter the temple, were happy for us and joined us at the reception to celebrate.  While I know that this was difficult for some to understand, I felt that it was an important step both for myself and for my family.  I knew that I wanted an eternal marriage.  One that would bind my spouse and I forever and set us on a path of learning and growing together with the Lord as our guide.  I knew that making a temple marriage a priority would also show my family how important it was to me.  

I am so grateful to have a family that values marriage irrespective of religion.  The world can benefit from solid, happy and healthy unions between husbands and wives.  When we strengthen marriage and family, we strengthen the world.  
“Marriage is the foundry for social order, the fountain of virtue, and the foundation for eternal exaltation. Marriage has been divinely designated as an eternal and everlasting covenant. Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God.”
—Russell M. Nelson
“Nurturing Marriage,” Ensign, May 2006, 36
How would seeing our marriage as a partnership between ourselves and the Lord Jesus Christ be beneficial?

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Partners in crime

10:59 AM Sarah 0 Comments


My husband and I have been married for 14 years and each day I learn something new about us.  We met and married in college and started our life together as very poor students.  We lived in an apartment that had bullet holes in the refrigerator and our first couch was a pink terry cloth futon with white plastic pleather arms.  I vividly remember literally digging through cushions and pockets to get enough change to buy a weeks worth of top ramen on sale.  We've come a long way, but looking back I can see how important those struggle were.  We struggled and we learned.  We made mistakes and we continue to do so to this day, but I have no doubt that those experiences bonded us in a way that none other could.

In a roundtable discussion during a world wide leadership training for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints lds.org  Sister Cheryl Lant said

 "Love is what you go through together".  

I have found that statement to be true.  It becomes apparent to me why God, our eternal father has given us marriage when I look at the differences between men and women.  We need each other.  We compliment each other.  We are two pieces of a puzzle both figuratively and literally, and what a beautiful creation that is!  Together we have the ability to take on challenges and lift and help one another in ways that are divinely appointed to us.

I love that being unique mentally, physically and spiritually from my husband, gives me the ability to bring something special to our marriage.  I appreciate the difference in thought, appearance and spirituality that my husband contributes.  Together we are truly a team, each bringing our divinely appointed attributes to the union and making it stronger.  This does not mean that there will not be struggle, I have learned that the struggle is the point!  Without challenges to overcome, how would we progress?  How would we learn and become better people?  Coming together with our unique gifts and abilities and putting our Heavenly Father first, gives us a strength unmatched in the world.  Together, with Him we are unstoppable.




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Inquire well.

6:58 PM Sarah 0 Comments

This was my first week back to school in about 13 years. It has been completely overwhelming and completely awesome all at the same time. I am thoroughly enjoying my classes which are all about marriage and family. Each week I will be sharing some of what I've learned and what has specifically stuck out to me in my studies on these topics. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ, I believe that the world has been given a road map by which we can obtain happy and healthy marriages and families. This road map is called "The Family: A Proclamation To The World" and I believe it was revealed to a prophet of God from a loving a concerned Father in Heaven for us in this day. I believe, if followed, this plan would change the world for the better.(follow the link below for more information).





 One of the things that struck me this week was a reading assignment on the topic of divorce. I was very touched by this article from the May 2007 issue of Ensign magazine, a publication distributed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This particular address was given by Elder Dallin H. Oaks who serves as a member of the quorum of the twelve apostles, an apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ. It is obvious to all that society has lost respect and reverence for the sanctity of marriage and with today's emphasis on individualism and making choices to please oneself only, the rate of divorce in this country is rising rapidly. In "The Family: A Proclamation To The World" we are warned of the calamity that will follow if this trend continues: "WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets."

 Almost everyone has been affected in someway by the damages of divorce. Whether through a friend, a family member or ourselves, we have all experienced the pain and emotional trauma that result when a divorce takes place. It is overwhelming to try and figure out how to help turn these trends around and refocus our efforts to creating and maintaining happy and healthy marriages and families. I think that Elder Oaks made a profound and helpful statement when he said, " I speak briefly to those contemplating marriage. The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well."("Divorce" Ensign, May 2007) This is such an important step in the process of building a family. In our faith we believe that marriage is a sacred institution, ordained by God and that "Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan." ("The Family: A Proclamation To The World.") We believe that our goal should be to be worthy to enter sacred Temples of the Lord where we can be married and sealed to our spouse for not only time, but all eternity. When we choose a spouse, we choose that person forever. How important than is it, to make sure without a doubt that we have chosen the right person. I don't think that it can be overemphasized that we need to know this persons values, goals and personality. We need to see them under stress and in sadness. We need to evaluate how they treat us and how we treat them and watch for any "red flags" that may make building a life with this person unnecessarily difficult. I believe that if we all took these steps to fully get to know the person we choose to marry, then the issue now becomes making the decision to love them forever. A fantastic resource for learning more about how to strengthen homes and families can be found at I'd love to hear your thoughts on today's post, feel free to comment. Until next time,
sarah

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